Dear Conor

November 13, 2016

 

 

You left us 2 weeks ago but it feels like an eternity. You were the most precious, amazing little boy and I hope you know that you are loved by so many. Even people who never met you could tell just by looking at your pictures and watching your videos how very special you are. You filled us with such happiness and joy. You had the most amazing personality and were so full of love. I would give anything to have another hug or kiss from you or just to hold you in my arms one more time.

 

Tutor Time had a pasta dinner for you last night. You would have loved it. A lot of your friends were there, including Sebastien, Donovan and Evelyn. Evelyn was looking at your picture and saying Ca-Ca. You know I never wanted that nickname to stick, but I have to say, it was nice to hear her say it. I think you have touched so many people, little and older, with your beautiful spirit.

 

Aunt Josie always said there was something so special about you and she was right. I can't understand why you're gone and I don't want to imagine my life without you in it, but I have to believe that you are with me and that you will give me strength.

 

Tessa is doing okay, but I know she misses you so much. She talks about you a lot. For the first week you were gone, she kept talking about the truck that took you and I think she couldn't understand why we didn't get you. We are trying to tell her that you are with Nana in heaven, but that's hard for us, so I'm sure it's hard for her too. She wants you to come home and we do too. You were her best friend and you can see a loneliness in everything she does now. She needs you so much right now. Please help her to feel your presence and know that you are always with her. You have always been her protector, so I know you will continue to do that for her.

 

When we were in Saratoga these last few days, we had a beautiful sunset and Tessa said, "Mommy, Conor made the sky pink for us" and I think she was right.

 

I hope everyone is taking good care of you. I hope you can feel my love wrapped around you every second of every day. There is not a moment that goes by that I am not missing you, wishing you were here, wanting to hold you one more time, wanting even 1 more day, 1 more hour with you.

 

When I think of you, I like to think of you on that day we went pumpkin picking, sitting on the stage, playing the maracas and dancing, so blissfully happy and making me so happy watching you.  I like to think of you sitting on the baskets, doing morning meeting/circle time with Tessa. I like to think of you grabbing Baby Anna and running away with her, looking back at frustrated Tessa and laughing. I like to think of you and Tessa sitting in the playpen (the cage) and playing so nicely together. I like to think of you whipping around the living room with the shopping cart. I like to think of you getting that mischievous smile, then standing on the chair, shouting over at me to look at you. I like to think of you sitting on the couch, watching Elmo and eating bananas, saying "more, more" before the bowl was even half empty. I like to think of you, standing, arms stretched out, saying, "Up Mama up." I like to think of you wagging your finger and saying "not nice." I like to think of you at the park, enjoying roaming around, loving the swings. I like to think of you in the buggy at day care, seeing me walking in to pick you up and seeing those little legs kick so hard and leaping out of the buggy into my arms. I like to think of you with the radio, saying "mu mu" for music, flipping CDs in and out and then wanting to sit on the bed and do your little dance. I like to think of how crazy you were at bed time. How you never wanted to "shut down." How you would lie down like you were going to sleep and then a few minutes later pop your head up, as if to say, "What's next?" I love thinking of all the times Tessa would lie on the floor and say, "Conor, tackle me" and then when you would, you would both laugh so hard and just lie there hugging each other. It's so hard to say what my best or favorite Conor memory is because I feel blessed for every moment I had to spend with you.

 

My heart is so empty with you gone and I know my life will never be the same. I love you more than you could ever know and I will carry you n my heart always and forever. You are my angel; you are my little man; you are my perfect baby. Please keep  giving me signs from heaven and give me strength. I love you. 

Love, 

Mommy

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